Safe Spaces, Real Stories: Kristy Dillon on Sexual Trauma

In this episode, we sat down with Kristy Dillon—therapist, survivor, and truth-teller—to talk about something that too many people still struggle to say out loud: sexual abuse.

This conversation is raw, honest, and full of the kind of wisdom that only comes from deep healing. If you've experienced abuse—or love someone who has—this episode is for you.

Here’s what we talk about:

• What it’s like to tell your story after years of silence
• How sexual abuse impacts identity, relationships, and trust
• The complicated feelings survivors often have about their abusers
• What healing actually looks like (hint: it's not linear)
• How safe touch, therapy, and community helped Kristy reclaim her body
• The power of saying it out loud—yes, even if it’s messy or imperfect

Trigger warning: We talk about childhood sexual abuse. Please take care of yourself as you listen. You can pause, come back, or skip this one if it’s not the right time.

👉🏼 If this resonates with you, you're not alone. Healing is possible. We're proof.

About Kristy:

Kristy Dillon is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in Dayton, Ohio with over 30 years of experience in the counseling field. She has been trained in Somatic Experiencing, Developmental and Relational Trauma, and Polyvagal Theory. Over the years, she has worked in Community Mental Health Centers, private psychiatric practice, school-based counseling, and private practice.

Kristy was motivated to earn a degree in Counseling after engaging in her own personal counseling to address sexual trauma she experienced as a child. The profound healing she experienced inspired her to learn how to support others through their own healing journeys.

View Kristy’s profile here.

Find resources mentioned in this episode here.

Learn more about this podcast here.

Submit your 90-second lesson/experience here.

Apply to be a guest here.

Stay updated on new episodes here.

*Information shared on this podcast is not medical advice. If you have a concern about your physical or mental health, please seek support from a proessional.

Transcript

Jan: Welcome to things my mother forgot to mention, the podcast where we say everything our mothers didn't. I'm Jan, a trauma therapist and author, turned rogue storyteller here to talk openly about the body aging and all the. Wait, what 

Patti: moments 

Jan: of 

Patti: womanhood and I'm Patty, an online business and tech nerd whose purpose is to elevate the voices of women in our world and who doesn't believe in taboo topics.

Things my mother forgot to mention is the podcast for every woman who's ever said, wait, why didn't anyone mention this to me? 

Jan: Join Jan and Patty. Two, outspoken, curious, outrageous women as they dive headfirst into a messy, magical, and often WTF realities of aging health, and quite simply being a woman from rogue chin hairs and vaginal thinning to mental health perimenopause.

In scalp cancer. Yes. Really 

Patti: nothing is off limits. It's funny, it's raw, it's real talk. Your mother definitely skipped. 

Jan: Let's get into it. Hello, Jan. Hey there, Patty. It's good to see you. 

Patti: Good to see you. We spent last week together though, on one of your 

Jan: workshops, so I know one of our level 

Patti: two workshops. No, 

Jan: yeah, 

Patti: yeah.

Always fun. 

Jan: Yeah, it is. I really love all your support that you give us when we're, uh, in that, uh, doing all of our workshops online. I really appreciate it. Thank you. 

Patti: Well, I love it. I love being a part of it and learning so much and, and, and all of that. But, um, and, uh, one of the, the people who. Uh, graciously allowed for her training, her intensive to be shown at these trainings.

And I have seen it over 'cause I play the videos. And there's three per five day workshop, um, is with us today. Yes. Is our guest gonna talk to us? Yes. And 

Jan: thrilled. So I would love to introduce, I'm gonna read a little bit about Christie. So Christie, who's gonna be our guest, is a licensed professional clinical counselor in Dayton, Ohio for over 30 years of experience in the counseling field, she's been trained in somatic experiencing developmental and relational trauma and the polyvagal theory.

Over the years, she has worked in community mental health centers, private psychiatric practice, and school-based counseling and private practice. Christie was motivated to earn her degree in counseling after engaging in her own personal counseling to address sexual trauma she experienced as a child.

The profound healing she experienced inspired her to learn how to support others through their own healing journeys. Wow. What a, I love your bio. 

Yeah. Well, thank 

you. Welcome. Yeah, you welcome. 

Kristy: Thank you. I'm, I'm delighted to be here. 

Jan: Yeah. And it's know, that's. That's something I've really appreciated about you, Christie, is that you and Patty have been so forward in wanting to say your story for all the people out there that it's happened to, and nobody wants to talk about it, so thank you both.

Patti: Yeah, you're 

Jan: welcome. 

Patti: Yeah. Yeah. I'm so happy you're here for it. I mean, I think it's something that for me, you know, having had that experience of being sexually abused as a child. I have felt that throughout my life. It's a, one of the reasons I'm here is to help people who don't talk about it because it is something that.

Especially when we were younger, right? Like very taboo, not something that people talk about. And so the more that we can give it a voice, the more that we can talk about it, the more that it's able to be identified, the more that people, um, can heal from it and or stop it and, and all of that. So I'm, I'm so thank you so much for, for being willing to share that.

Kristy: Oh, absolutely. I absolutely agree. And I, you know, uh, I was a teacher before I became a therapist. Oh. And it was when I. Uh, finally acknowledged my own sexual abuse, that I went back to school to get my degree and become a therapist. 'cause I knew that I wanted to support people, other women and men who have had this experience.

Jan: Yeah. Right. And you know, we don't talk 

Kristy: about it enough. No, we don't. Don't, you know, we don't. Yeah. Just 

Jan: before we just started recording, you were talking, I wanted to hear more about what you were saying, Christie. So you said that you used to work with, uh, in a. Offenders 

Kristy: or what was you? I, I didn't, myself, I was working at the agency where we had a program to treat sex offenders and they were in the program in lieu of conviction.

Like if they didn't complete the program successfully, they were gonna go to jail. Wow. For sexually abusing, and most of them were daughters or stepdaughters. Wow. 

Patti: That's a little outrageous actually. Yeah. 

Jan: Yeah. And, and so what happened? Did they ask you to be a guest? Is that what happened? 

Kristy: Yeah. Two, two of my coworkers who were also friends of mine, knew that I was a survivor, and they came to me and said, um, the men in the group would like to hear from a survivor.

Jan: Wow. 

Kristy: And I thought about it and, and I thought this could be just as healing for me as it might be for some of these men. Right. Um, because I, I do believe there's a lot of benefit in getting perpetrators and survivors together. Mm-hmm. 

Jan: Wow. Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: And so their treatment assignment was that after I shared my story for an hour, crying through the whole thing.

Their treatment assignment was that they had to write me a letter telling me how my story impacted them. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: Yeah. And the man who sat beside me during that whole hour, he sobbed. Through my whole talk really, he sobbed through and I have a portion of the letter. If I could read it, I'd love to hear it.

Please. Absolutely. It's very powerful. Very powerful. He says, I wanna share with you what you did for me in our session. You let me see the despair and the loneliness of my victim. You showed me the fear that I could not imagine my daughter had of me. The turmoil she must have been in, in, in between love and hate of her dad.

I can see through you the hell that I put her through for all those years after the molestation to never be able to hug or to kiss the, the turmoil or terror she was going through when I was forcing myself on her. Wretched my heart into. I have sat here tonight crying with guilt and horror of what I did to her, and also with the hope you gave me.

You spoke of the love that you have for your father. I can only pray that my daughter can remember some of my love. For her also and the good times that we had in the past few years, I felt that somehow you being in our group helped you to confront your dad. And one thing I had done was I took a photograph of my dad and put it up in the group room.

Oh wow. So that my dad was there. I see. Yeah. Um, words can not describe how grateful I am to you for what you did for me. You have taught me that there is life. For myself and my daughter, I hope and pray to see all my children again someday, and to be at peace with myself. That's all I'm gonna share. Yeah.

But it, it was 

Jan: very powerful. I really, I mean, yeah. I'm sure every, I was gonna say, even for you, Patty Yeah. Every, every survivor of sexual abuse probably long would benefit from hearing that, but Right. Can benefit from hearing that or longing that it, it came from their perpetrator. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

And there 

Kristy: were, there were seven men in the group, and I would say that was the only man that I felt hopeful could. Heal. Did the others 

Patti: write you letters? Yep. 

Kristy: They all did. And, and, and a, and a lot of them were very superficial. 

Patti: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: Yeah. You know? 

Patti: Right. Wow. That I can only imagine what. What that must have been like for you to, so what was that like for you then to be there and feel that?

And so you're, I mean, we haven't mentioned sort of your background maybe in, in your history of abuse and you might wanna mention that a little bit just so that there's a little reference point, but, but also, what was that like then to be in that room with seven offenders? Mm-hmm. And to receive such a letter.

Kristy: Well, it started out it was very scary. Yes. I was a nervous wreck going into that. I mean, to sit with men who have done what my father did to me. 

Jan: Yeah. 

Kristy: That was frightening. And, but once I got going, yeah. You know, I mean, the tears came and I mean, I was just into telling them my story and I, I talked about how much I loved my dad and then how much I hated what he did to me.

Right. Right. You know, um, because that's the part that I think a lot of people don't understand is that even when we're abused by a parent, that the love is still there, you know? And, and a lot of people can't understand that. And, and I under, I get it. 

Patti: Yeah. 

Kristy: But. You know, I loved 

Jan: my dad. 

Kristy: Mm-hmm. 

Jan: I know. I remember when we watched the video series that you did for our training purposes, we were looking at, I was saying to you there, neither of your parents were safe.

I mean, at first you thought your dad was the safe one. Right. One was the the outta control, and now here it is. Then when he started molesting you, then it was like, dad wasn't safe. Mom wasn't safe. And it's just a mixed bag, like Right. And also you were thinking, I love my dad, but then I hate him too. I mean, it's so understanding that you can have 

Patti: both.

Jan: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. At the same time. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Patti: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, and it's, and I think that. It, it is hard to understand how complicated that can be because, you know, for me it was my entire life. So for me, there's not that there that love so much because mm-hmm. There, there weren't many good in that way.

And so that, that was never there because I tried to med relationships with him and things like that, um, because I wanted to forgive and I wanted, but he. He's a pathological liar, and that just wasn't an option. But I can see that. Right. There's still that desire. They're your, your parent and they're wronging.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, and so it's very complicated and, and people It is, imagine it's a very easy separation to be like, you hurt me, therefore, but you know how many people stay with partners that hurt them. Yeah. You know, and still love that a lot. Mm-hmm. A lot. Exactly. And while it's different, there's, there's similarities there.

I think. 

Kristy: Well, you know, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive. And when I was three years old, she, um, and you probably remember this, Jan, she took urine soaked diapers off of me and rubbed them in my face. Oh my gosh. And so I knew from a very early age that my mother was not a safe person. And so when my father started touching me, I knew I couldn't go to my mom.

Yeah. I knew she wouldn't believe me. And you know, after the fact, after I did confront both of them, she did acknowledge she wouldn't have believed me. Yep. 

Patti: Yeah. Wow. 

Jan: Wow. I mean, I think that's the hardest thing about sexual abuse is the threats that come from the perpetrator and also, uh, you know, how it, it'll disrupt a family and then when some brave soul does try to talk to mom about it or dad.

I mean, if it was like whether it was a cousin or it was an uncle or whatever, the parent doesn't believe him. I mean, I, I can't tell you how many stories I've heard like that in my private practice. Yeah. And it makes it even 

Kristy: worse. So then you absolutely think you're crazy. Yeah, absolutely. Well, because in my family, what they did was they circled the wagons, and so I pretty much lost my whole family over this.

And, uh, you know, when my mother found out that I was in therapy and I was talking to someone about what my father did, my mother actually called my therapist and scheduled an appointment for herself, but she didn't tell the therapist that she was my mom. Oh my goodness. So my mother got into my safe space and really ended my relationship with my therapist because.

My therapist spent an hour with my mom listening to my mother. She took a family portrait to show the therapist how normal we were. Oh my God. See, see how normal we are? See how we're smiling. And we all know that a photograph doesn't tell the whole story. And you know, I mean, what age was 

Patti: this? How old were you when this was happening?

That like, 

Kristy: oh, I was an adult? When this happened, I was in my thirties. I was married. Oh my goodness. She got the phone number of my therapist from my ex-husband and she called the therapist and you know, she was doing whatever she could to stop me from mm-hmm. Telling my truth. 

Jan: Wow. Your mother spent her whole life trying to do that?

Kristy: Oh yeah. She was a major control. Freak. Right. 

Patti: How 

Kristy: hard 

Patti: that must be for you to have continually had safe spaces pulled from you. 

Kristy: Oh boy. Yeah, that's, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Her whole life. 

Jan: Her whole life. Yeah. I mean, sometimes we get, you know, when you look at someone's family history that we get, one parent maybe will be the safe parent, the other one's outta control.

Uh, but you know, for the most part, Christian, I remember you got. Nothing. You got no one. 

Kristy: Right. 

Jan: And you were living on a farm Uhhuh, you know, and all you were surrounded by also your father was, uh, also abusing other kids, right? Yes. I mean, it was, it just, it was just dismal, really. 

Mm-hmm. 

Patti: Wow. That's really, really intense to, to have a parent that goes so far out of their way to, to and, and, and in that case, like it's not, and here's the other piece, right, is it's not about.

You and trying to take the safe space away from you. It's about protecting herself. It's, that's what it is. It's all about self protection. Got, but that's what it does. Is it, is, it's, it's stripping that of you and making it harder for you. So, so what ways then, having sort of these experiences, has that impacted you throughout your life and like how have you been able to find your own safe spaces?

Kristy: Yeah, good question. Within 

Patti: yourself or, you know? 

Kristy: Well, um. I went to therapy. I, I mean, initially I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I mean, I read everything. Uh, I went to an incest survivors group, which was very powerful, and I can remember the first. The first month that I was there, I could not open my torso or my chest to the group.

I sat with my elbows on my knees the entire hour and a half 'cause it just didn't feel safe for me to open my body. Yeah. To the group. Yeah. Yeah. 

Jan: So Christie, did you do a lot of, um, so you were talking about how you went to a group and you were doing that. So was it, did it go on for years or did, how did it kind of unfold that you weren't as protected and felt safe?

Yeah, 

Kristy: well, the, I went to the incest survivors group for a couple years. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: I ended up working at that agency. Oh. Oh, wow. Um, because they had a program out in the schools, it was called Violence Free Relationships for Youth. Hmm. And so the agency had a contract with all the middle schools in Montgomery County.

And so I would go out to a middle school and for three days I would stay in the same classroom and teach these junior high kids about conflict resolution, abuse, you know, all that. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: And, you know, I wasn't a therapist yet. I was doing an educational program. Mm-hmm. But in that agency, uh, I say I grew up in that agency because I, I had multiple, uh, jobs.

Uh, I was in school getting my master's degree in counseling. Uh, I was running groups and, uh, so. You know, I think a lot of times when survivors go back to school, it's just to continue our own healing. 

Jan: Right, exactly. 

Kristy: You know, and so I, all my, uh, all the workshops I went to and everything was about me continuing my own healing.

Mm-hmm. And were you still married then when you were in graduate school and doing the teaching? Uh, or, um, it, I was in the process of leaving my marriage uhhuh and coming out as a lesbian. Mm-hmm. Which was a whole nother Wow. You know, another goal unfolding. I wanna mention that because I think it's important to know that if you're sexually stimulated as a young child.

You never get the opportunity to discover your own sexual orientation on your own, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Because it's already been interfered with, right? Yeah. 

Patti: Yeah, absolutely. And there's a lot of people, and I've heard this and I was told this directly myself, um, that like, if you've been sexually abused, you're more likely to be gay or anything like that, which is not true.

Absolutely. And, and there's. There's all this nonsense that comes with it as these repercussions of it in that way and, and that if that's happened, then that's, that's why you're this way and that that's just not real. Yeah, and I think it's important to kind of say that as well because I have heard that, that ignorance I've heard so many times.

Kristy: No. Being molested does not cause you to be gay. No, no, it does not. But it does interfere with the natural process. Yes. Yeah. Of discovering who you are. Who you are. 

Patti: Yeah. Because either you're shut down or you're expressive, or, but it's all just messy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So that's, so how old were you when you sort of went through that process?

Kristy: Well, this was in 1991 when I was going through a divorce and coming out, uh, I hadn't seen my father for two years after I confronted him, he actually admitted it in front of my mom, which was surprising. Wow. And in that moment, my mom just unraveled. Mm uh, I mean, she started telling me stuff that she regretted about her parenting, and I had never experienced that from my mother.

She was being honest and real and authentic for the first time. She called me the next morning and said. What your dad did to you shouldn't have affected you. You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get over it. Wow. How old were you when she did this that Oh, I was an adult. I was an adult.

Like thirties or forties or, yeah. Or late thirties. I mean, because I didn't tell anyone about the sexual abuse until I was in college. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: And then the person that I shared it with was also a survivor, really. And I think that's how we find each other. Yeah. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. So your mother, I can't believe her, and so she said, just suck it up, huh?

Yep. 

Kristy: Yeah. So when my father did die, and I hadn't seen him for two years, I didn't know what to do, but I decided that I would put my big girl panties on and go up to the house because the, the preacher was coming to mom's house to plan the funeral service. And I said to my two sisters, because the minister was not the minister that knew my dad, it was a visiting minister who was doing his funeral, and I said.

We need to tell this guy about dad because there are gonna be people at his funeral that he molested their grandkids. 

Patti: Oh my goodness, 

Kristy: this, this preacher needs to know the truth about dad. And my mom said to me, if you're gonna mention any of that, I want you to leave the house now. So I got in my car and left.

And I'll tell you, I drove down the lane crying and at the same time feeling completely free. Yes, completely free. Because I knew then that my relationship with my family was pretty much over. Was over. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: Right. And so what I did was I came home, I called the minister, scheduled an appointment with him, went to the church and said.

Here's why I wasn't at the house. Mom made me leave because she didn't want you to know that my father's a pedophile. Yeah. 

Patti: That is so brave. That is so incredible. Mm-hmm. To, you know, not let people hide in an idea of what somebody is and, and to have that, that truth be out there. 

Jan: Yeah. I, I didn't. I think it's kind of a mixed bag.

I was just thinking, 'cause here's. Here's you as an adult. Finally feeling free, which is awesome. You know, it's like you confronted your, your perpetrator, you exposed it to the family. You said, I'm not gonna hide behind this anymore and feel all the shame 'cause it's not about me. But there that whole move, which I think was very brave, is that.

It can't necessarily happen until you're adult because for all the people who are young kids, or their uncle or their cousin did this or their brother did it to 'em or something. Right. You know, it just, it just, it's upsets families so much that then you get more shame, you get shut down more. I mean, families do not handle that, right?

'cause they're into everything looking good and sometimes it's almost dangerous to do something like that. Do, do you? Understandable. Oh 

Kristy: yeah, yeah. Well, the one thing that the minister said to me was, well, he asked me straight up, are you gay? Are you a lesbian? And I said, yes, I am. And he goes, well, you know, your family's gonna use that to hurt you.

And I said, yeah, I know they already have. Mm-hmm. You know, but come to find out he had a lesbian daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Wow. And, and he also asked me. What would I want him to say at my father's funeral? Mm-hmm. And all I could think of was that quote, um, the truth will set you free. Yeah. The truth will set you free.

And he, and he said that in, in my father's funeral, I actually took a tape recorder and recorded the whole, the whole funeral service. Wow. And then I, you know, transcribed it. But you know, he knew my dad was a farmer, but he never knew My dad personally, one of the things that he said during the funeral was, I don't know much about farming, but I do know that when you plant beans.

You don't get corn, and when you plant corn, you don't get beans. In other words, you know, there was a lot of untruths, you know? Yeah. A lot of the lies. Yeah. Yeah. But that all was very validating for me. 

Jan: Yeah. 

Patti: So 

Jan: Chrissy, how would you put into, so since you, you were brave, you came out and you confronted all that, what about how it impacted your life?

Like, how did you start knowing it was happening to you? I mean, you know, like it had a, it had a, a consequence when you became an adult. Do you know what I'm saying? Is being sexually abused by your dad? Then you go off to college. How did it start showing up? Oh, I was very Did you go to counseling? 

Kristy: What, how did, how did this all?

I, I did go to counseling. I, I, um, because, why? Because what were you noticing? Uh, my attraction to women. 

Jan: Okay. So your 

Kristy: attraction and, and, uh, in college I was very promiscuous. I see. Because sex and love were very confused for me. 

Jan: Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: You know, so anytime. I mean, that was what I thought I had to do to feel any kinda love was to engage sexually with someone.

Jan: Yeah. And 

Kristy: that is not love. 

Jan: Right. Exactly. So you started noticing that you started noticing your feelings toward women, but I'm just wondering, did you have any other issues like anxiety or did you have eating disorder or did you have what? What'd you say, Patty? Depression. Depression. 

Kristy: I was drinking a lot.

Oh, oh, sure. You're medicating Sure. That, yeah. Absolutely. I was medicating and, and in the house I grew up in, there was never alcohol in the house. I didn't have a, my first alcohol alcoholic drink until I was in college Wow. At Ohio State. And then, and, and I remember the very first time I had that sensation of feeling buzzed.

And I'm like, wow, I like this. 

Jan: Yeah. So many people say that, you know, when they keep, uh, no alcohol until they get into college and all of a sudden they find the buzz and then they go, wow. Yeah. But that's the whole point is that that's underneath all kind of addictions or when we over, um, do our drugs, alcohol, it's, it's medicating something.

So Did you Oh, I'm so glad 

Kristy: you said that because I really do believe that. Alcohol and drug use is a direct result of sexual abuse. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: Interesting. I really do. 

Patti: Hmm. Wow. I mean, I started smoking marijuana when I was like 15, so. Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: I don't know 

Patti: what you're talking about at all. Yeah, right. That doesn't sound relatable in anyway.

Kristy: Yeah. I mean, I became sexually active at 15. 

Patti: Right. I went the other direction. I was very closed off, but I smoked a lot of pot. Yes, a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I mean, I think that there's a lot of, of that self-medication that that happens with that, because what do you know? You don't know what to do with them, especially if you're not dealing with those emotions and you don't understand them for a lot of people, right?

I mean, it's hard for people, especially if they haven't had therapy or nobody's. Spoken about it, you're having these experiences and you don't understand what you're feeling and, and why. So like, so how long were you, were you drinking and starting to notice these, you being overly promiscuous and things like that before you decided to go and, and start counseling?

Kristy: Oh, I would say years. Okay. Years. Oh really? Yeah. 

Patti: Yeah. Wow. Mm-hmm. And have you found, so it sounds like you've done all sorts of interesting healing adventures here. Um, is there anything in particular that has stuck out for you with, you know, because I have found that like, it, it kind of comes up in various ways throughout your life, right?

Yep. Um, have you found any particular modality or type of healing that you've really enjoyed to move through any of the challenging challenges you've had? 

Kristy: Some of the trainings, the polyvagal theory training, and with Deb Dana. Um, yes. Yeah, she's, um, we went to this summer, this spring, we went to the Cape Cod Institute.

Oh yes. Cape Cod Institute and with Deb Dana. And that has really helped in my relationship because my, my wife is a therapist as well. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: And so it really helped us to understand where we were on the ladder and how to move. You know, back to regulation, uh, that has been very helpful. The somatic experiencing was very helpful too.

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: You know, uh, yeah. I mean, some of the stuff in that training was just, I mean, it, you know, there's so much more than just talk therapy. 

Jan: Yeah. Yes. I would imagine, I mean, it, it, since you were sexually abused and that's a, a sexual boundary violation, someone's touching you. I remember the phrase that you, I wrote down when I was working with you is your body wasn't your own.

Do you remember? Oh, that's for sure. 

And 

I was thinking that because your body wasn't your own, it probably was a big challenge for you to, you know, well, I guess you said you went promiscuous. Patty went the other way. Don't touch me. And how did you finally feel like you could get safe enough to, to, uh, let someone touch you?

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, well, I, would you heal that? 

Kristy: Well, I was very touch deprived because there was no touch other than the sexual abuse. Okay. I mean, there was no, there were no hugs. I don't even remember my mother holding my hand. Oh, wow. Yeah. Um, and so. The sexual abuse was the only touch that I experienced.

Mm-hmm. Other than, you know, being swatted or hit or, you know, any kind of physical abuse. So what I did when I got in therapy and started working on this stuff, I got a massage therapist. Nice. Uh, because I wanted to be touched Yeah. Safely. I need, I was touched, deprived. 

Jan: Yeah. 

Kristy: And, and I really think that that contributes to.

Perpetrators becoming perpetrators. Hmm. I think in our society, we don't give especially boys enough non-sexual, physical affection. Agreed. Hmm. Yeah. You know, I've got two grandsons, one's 14 and one's 10, and we still hug and kiss those boys. You know, but I think when you grow up in a family where you don't have that kind of nurturing mm-hmm.

And that kind of physical touch. Mm-hmm. 

Jan: Yeah. Then. 

Kristy: Everything becomes sexualized. Right? Right. It's the only way to get it. It's the only way to get affection. Talk about 

Patti: confusing. Exactly. That must be for your brain. That is still fun forming. 

Jan: Mm-hmm. 

Patti: Yeah. 

Jan: And so Christie, you have a son that when you were in your marriage, so 

Kristy: you didn't get a daughter.

He was 10. Who? And 

Jan: he was 10. 

Kristy: When I divorced his dad and came out. 

Jan: So were you able to touch him, meaning in a nonsexual way to hug him, love him, all that? Absolutely. Absolutely. That had to be a resource or nurturing 

Kristy: or healing for you? Oh my gosh. It, it was so much, uh, healing for me. Mm-hmm. Because I wanted my son to have what I didn't get.

Yes. And you know, I had experiences when he was like 15, um, I took him to a school for a basketball game. He was playing FFA basketball and I had this experience where he reached down and held my hand and we were walking through a school where his peers were, and I was the one that felt, oh my gosh, this is really weird.

Hmm. Yeah. This is strange. It, I felt uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. But my, my son felt comfortable because he had grown up with affection. 

Jan: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Kristy: Yeah. And so it was nothing for him to grab my hand. He wasn't embarrassed. Wow, 

Patti: that's great. What, that's amazing to have the opportunity to stop the, um, passing it forward, right?

And Yes. And to have that line stop there and for you to have had the opportunity to. Say, I'm gonna teach you something else. And, and to, to teach that and, and give that when you didn't receive that is so beautiful and so amazing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Well, 

Kristy: and I, I had a great gestalt therapist, Jesse Carlock.

She was wonderful, and I got as much hugging as I wanted from her. The beginning of the session, end of the session. She, she knew how important that was. Uh hmm. Another thing that that happened for me was when I, when I went to this therapist, I was in so much pain. I, I cried the whole session, session after session after session, and by the end of the session I had a pile of tissues on her coffee table or whatever.

And one day I said to her, you know Jesse, you ought to put a trash can by the door so I can dump my tissues in it when I leave you. 

Jan: Right. 

Kristy: The next session there was a trash can at the door. That's great. Love that. And when I terminated with her after probably five or six years. I said, Jesse, I, I want something from you.

And I said, what I want is that trash can, that's true. And I said, she didn't give it to me that day, but when I went in for my very last appointment, it had a big blue bow on it. Aw. And I still have it. I still have it. 

Patti: That's really lovely. Yeah. Great. All of 

Kristy: these are just examples of things that happened that helped me to heal.

Yeah. 

Jan: It is interesting that she hugged you. I mean, this is a big topic as a therapist and you Oh yeah. The therapist is, you know, do you, uh, hug your clients and, uh, you know, I'm always leaning in, in that direction. If, if it's mutual and they're safe with that, you know, we're always asking, is it okay to touch?

Is it okay for me to put my hand on your back? Is it okay for me to sit next to you? You know? So those are, because those are all about boundary violations, right. We're being very, very cautious of, but I, I just think that's great. She hugged you and that's what you needed. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. That's great.

Yeah. Wow. Well, so what would you say, Christie, to. The viewers, or not viewers, excuse me, the listeners out there, uh, about any resources or things to, you know, as they navigate their own lives or if they're listening and they have gone through sexual abuse, what advice would you give them? 

Kristy: Well, the one thing I wanna say is that healing is possible.

Yeah. Yeah. It is possible to heal, it is possible to have a happy life. Mm-hmm. It is possible to have healthy relationships after this has happened. 

Jan: Yeah. 

Kristy: I'm a living example of that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, I would, uh, say get as much support for yourself as you can. Go to support groups. Go. I, you know, I'm, I, I, I'm really disappointed that here in Dayton, Ohio, I am unaware of any.

Groups for sexual abuse survivors and that very hard 

Patti: to find them, surprisingly. 

Kristy: Yeah. And I tell you why is that, that may be my next step, right? Is having a group for sexual abuse survivors because there's such a need, and that group was so important to me, and you know. Tell people, you have to talk about what happened to you.

I know it's hard to get going, but you have to talk about it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Patti: Yeah. And the shame isn't yours when you talk about it. That's the, the, the thing right, is you did nothing wrong. And I think that's what a lot of of people experience when they think about talking about it, is they, it's, it feels like shameful and that somehow they made it happen or they, you know, but that is just never, ever, ever.

Ever the case. Yeah. And that shame isn't yours. And so I think talking about it is so important because it could save somebody else's life. It could save somebody else's. Mm-hmm. And when I say life, I mean the joy in their life and that like it could save the life that they're living to be something better than, than maybe it has been.

And that it is. 

Kristy: Yeah. Well, I remember when I first started working on this stuff, I was substitute teaching and I can remember because I grew up with poor boundaries. Yes. I had no boundaries. I remember sitting in the lunchroom telling teachers that I had been molested by my dad. 

Jan: Hmm. Totally 

Kristy: inappropriate to do that.

But I read in a book after that that. As a sexual abuse survivor, if you have not shared inappropriately, you probably haven't shared enough. I love that. Yeah, that's great. 

Patti: That's 

Kristy: great. 

Patti: Yeah, that makes me feel so much better. Great Patty.

Jan: Well, you know, it's interesting, so you, you both have sexual abuse. I would say in my family system it was emotional sexual abuse, which was uh, clearly. Uh, coming from my father who would ogle after me buy me things. My uncle who would French kiss me when he'd meet me and mm, wow. I used to say to my mom, mom, you know, what is going on with uncle uh, so and so, and she said, oh, he is just over sext.

But really what was very interesting is, and I never even asked my cousins if they were sexually abused, uh, you know, but it, it seems that it can be. It can be that hidden too. Do you know what I mean? It's like carbon monoxide. It's, you can, it is like, you know, the sexualization, the objectification. That's how my dad, he used to objectify me.

Oh, absolutely. And my uncle was just a maniac. He was, he was way out. He, he was a sex addict. Um, of course it wasn't even diagnosed back then, so. 

Patti: Right. Well, it's so normalized in our world. Yes. The idea, I mean. Look at what we have in charge. You know, like the idea of the boys will be boys and you know, all of the things of like, well, it's just normal that men have a big libido, and men look at women and women are this.

And it's like, that's. Bull crap. Right? That's not true. Yes. And we need to look at that and have conversations like, at, you want like, it, it shouldn't be okay to ogle grown women, let alone little children. Yes. Right. Like, and, and, and the conversations, one of the things that really bothers me sometimes is that, that people just so comfortably in our, in our society, non pedophiles.

Just sexualize children and say she is gonna be such a heartbreaker when she grows up. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Like, what a weird thing to say that we say that is so normal that like you're, you're looking at a little three-year-old and saying when she grows up, she's gonna be chasing off. The boys with the stick.

Were like, how crazy is that, that that's our focus. And so it makes sense that we look at people that say, well, he's just over sexually. Oh, it's just who he is. He is just being a guy. Mm-hmm. And that's not okay. And I think we need to change that conversation. Yeah. 

Kristy: Yeah, I, I have a, a pet peeve when, uh, mothers call their sons stud muffins.

Oh, God. 

Patti: Same thing. Yeah, 

Kristy: it's, it's the same thing. Yeah. It's weird. Why would you refer to a young boy as a stud muffin? I, I don't know. I just have 

Jan: never. 

Kristy: So this is where 

Jan: our, we really break down our boundaries. We, you know, we're just, it's in, it's in the whole society. Just think of Yeah, the movies, the everywhere, the, the news, everything.

So, yeah. And so that, that's why I think if I were to give someone advice, I'd just say, make sure that, uh, you know, that if you're listening to this and you're young. Uh, I don't know that we have an age limit on who listens to this. Patty, uh, is get help, you know, talk to somebody. Yeah. Not necessarily your parents, but if you can talk to someone who's a professional that knows how to handle anything that might be going on at home, that could be sexualization objectification.

Inappropriate touch, you know, like what my uncle was doing, things like that. Like what is going on? And everybody in my family minimized it. Oh, that's just Uncle Corky. Just like that. He's being, you know? Mm-hmm. And, oh, don't worry about it, Jan. And, and I'm like, oh my gosh. Anyway, so. Yeah, yeah, 

Patti: yeah. And, and, and find somebody who's safe and, and, and let them help you get where you need to go.

And if you are not a child and you're an adult who has had this happen and you've never spoken about it, find a safe person to talk about this exactly. This with, find a therapist, find even a best friend or something. And, and I think what Chrissy said, like we find our, we find each other and Yeah, we do.

Which I talked about in the last episode, and I don't remember the numbers, but what was it, 30% or something like the, it's a very large percentage of, of women specifically who have been molested. Mm-hmm. Um, or sexually assaulted. And so it unfortunately is not hard to find somebody who has had the same experience as you in some way.

Right. And so, um. Get that support because when you find others like you, man, it really helps because it makes you feel sane. Mm-hmm. And you hear things that, because there's a lot that comes with it and a lot of stuff in your head and, and things you're unsure of. And so it, it, it reminds you that it's normal.

And so this is 

Jan: what we call it. Remember reparenting, I mean. Yourself reparenting, which is to validate, affirm, and nurture and, right. And if anyone comes and talks to you, you, I mean, you never had that Christie, no one ever validated your reality of what was going on. And that's, that's, that is trauma right there.

Yeah. Right there from both parents. But when it's sexual abuse or any of the thing like that, it, it, it really needs to be a validated, affirmed, and. They need to take action with a safe person. So 

Patti: yeah. 

Kristy: Yeah. 

Patti: Wow. Thank you so much for coming and chatting with us about it. I think this was such a great conversation.

Kristy: Yeah, I do too. It's very important. Yeah. 

Jan: Thank you, Christie. And do you feel I, hopefully we didn't, um, get you activated too much. 

Kristy: No, no. I'm good. I feel safe. In fact, Patty said that before she left, she goes, no. I know Jan has worked with you before, but will she take care of you? I mean, will she make sure that nothing bad happens to you?

And I says no question about that. That's great. Well, thank you for that 

Jan: compliment. 

Kristy: Yeah. Yeah. And thank you for the invite. This has Yes. Been another step in my healing. 

Jan: That's great. Thank you. Yeah, there you go. Just putting it out there and yeah, and telling other people to beware and to be safe, so yeah.

Great. Thanks for listening to the podcast. If you like what you've heard, please share it with friends. Subscribe 

Patti: and leave a review. And remember, information shared on this podcast is not medical advice. If you have a concern about your physical or mental health, please seek support from a professional.

Jan: If you have a story you'd like to share about things your mother forgot to mention, you can apply to be a guest. 

Patti: We'd also love to hear a quick 92nd thing you've learned in your life. You can find links to both of those over at our website at things my mother forgot to mention.com or in the show notes.

Thank you.